It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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