I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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