she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
