the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
