I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
