I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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