i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
