she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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