did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
