He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
