i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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