i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
