Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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