I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
