dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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