I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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