i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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