He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
