wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
