Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
