I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
did i walk over a car last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
