I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize