So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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