He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
