How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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