I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
