So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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