There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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