I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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