after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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