you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
