I didn't shave. On purpose
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
