Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
