I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
