Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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