Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Floor bacon is actually really good
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
