Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
