Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
