some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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