So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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