I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
