shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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