I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
