If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
