Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I would fuck him just for his dog
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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