I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
