Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
