Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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