when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
