No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
