Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize