Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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