I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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