When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
