just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was confusing and full of hummus
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
