Pappa wants mamma naked
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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