Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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