My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
