tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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