I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
...so i touched it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
